Things That Go Bump In The Night
I'm still afraid of monsters.
Back in the day my monster used to crouch at the bottom of the stairs when I was the last to bed, ready to grab my foot as I sprang up the hardwood staircase four steps at a time.
He stood on the bulkhead doors below our kitchen window and gently tap tap tapped the windowpane on lonely nights when I babysat my little sister in our house, in the woods.
These days the monster isn't hiding in my closet. He isn't crouching under my bed ready to snatch an ankle with his slick and hairy hand as I sleep.
My monster now lurks in the corner of my bedroom, inside my computer...waiting to steal my dreams of a better life. On his fetid breath I detect the putrid scent of panic.
He lurches around just inside the window of my monitor, a mere 1/8-inch of glass protecting me from him----my Frankenstein...
My Monster.com.
This beast's main purpose in life is to terrorize me with emails describing soul-crushing jobs that apparently match one of four job profiles that he forced me to create one dark and desperate night when I thought another McPRjob in a series of other McPRjobs might be the golden ticket to happiness and satisfaction.
His primary means of contact with me is the portal to hell also known as my hotmail.com account.
Sender: MONSTER.
Subject: MONSTER AGENT
Body: GREAT NEWS! WE HAVE FOUND NEW JOBS MATCHING YOUR JOB SEARCH AGENT CRITERIA!!!!!!!
Late last night and the night before
tommyknockers tommyknockers
knocking at my door.
I do not fall for his exclamation points.
I know that on the other side of his punctuated pretense lies a job description with a list of requirement bullet points so long and convoluted and improbable that it will make me crumble onto my bed in the fetal position. It will make me want raw cookie dough. And cigarettes. It will make me ornery and unmanageable and catatonic. It will make me call into work the next day because I will no longer be able to breathe.
- Experience in presenting and selling- Experience in managing - Experience in costing and cost engineering- Significant experience with PowerPoint and Excel- Detail-oriented- Strong organizational and project management skills- Solid written and verbal communication skills- Friendly, people-oriented, team player- Able to multi-task- Self-starter, motivated and proactive
I want to go out, don't know if I can, cause I'm afraid of the Tommyknocker man.
I wish he would come out of the computer and hide in my closet again like he used to when I was 5. He was scary then, but he's terrifying now.
And he's gaining on me.
(thank you S King for your Tommyknockers)
Back in the day my monster used to crouch at the bottom of the stairs when I was the last to bed, ready to grab my foot as I sprang up the hardwood staircase four steps at a time.
He stood on the bulkhead doors below our kitchen window and gently tap tap tapped the windowpane on lonely nights when I babysat my little sister in our house, in the woods.
These days the monster isn't hiding in my closet. He isn't crouching under my bed ready to snatch an ankle with his slick and hairy hand as I sleep.
My monster now lurks in the corner of my bedroom, inside my computer...waiting to steal my dreams of a better life. On his fetid breath I detect the putrid scent of panic.
He lurches around just inside the window of my monitor, a mere 1/8-inch of glass protecting me from him----my Frankenstein...
My Monster.com.
This beast's main purpose in life is to terrorize me with emails describing soul-crushing jobs that apparently match one of four job profiles that he forced me to create one dark and desperate night when I thought another McPRjob in a series of other McPRjobs might be the golden ticket to happiness and satisfaction.
His primary means of contact with me is the portal to hell also known as my hotmail.com account.
Sender: MONSTER.
Subject: MONSTER AGENT
Body: GREAT NEWS! WE HAVE FOUND NEW JOBS MATCHING YOUR JOB SEARCH AGENT CRITERIA!!!!!!!
Late last night and the night before
tommyknockers tommyknockers
knocking at my door.
I do not fall for his exclamation points.
I know that on the other side of his punctuated pretense lies a job description with a list of requirement bullet points so long and convoluted and improbable that it will make me crumble onto my bed in the fetal position. It will make me want raw cookie dough. And cigarettes. It will make me ornery and unmanageable and catatonic. It will make me call into work the next day because I will no longer be able to breathe.
- Experience in presenting and selling- Experience in managing - Experience in costing and cost engineering- Significant experience with PowerPoint and Excel- Detail-oriented- Strong organizational and project management skills- Solid written and verbal communication skills- Friendly, people-oriented, team player- Able to multi-task- Self-starter, motivated and proactive
I want to go out, don't know if I can, cause I'm afraid of the Tommyknocker man.
I wish he would come out of the computer and hide in my closet again like he used to when I was 5. He was scary then, but he's terrifying now.
And he's gaining on me.
(thank you S King for your Tommyknockers)
posted by Tara Callahan at 9:35 PM
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